


four thousand lifetimes (pugnabo ipsa illam astram)

by blacksatinpointeshoes



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, It's kind of heavy sorry, Phil is Dying, Post-Canon, Post-Season/Series 05 Finale, Robbie Comes Back From Hell, implied PTSD, lightly implied quakerider
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 17:42:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14794997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blacksatinpointeshoes/pseuds/blacksatinpointeshoes
Summary: They had days. Weeks, maybe. It's all coming to an end on an idyllic beach, just like they knew it eventually would.Except that it seems that the Ghost Rider isn't quite done with Melinda May and one Phillip J. Coulson.





	four thousand lifetimes (pugnabo ipsa illam astram)

**Author's Note:**

> well, the finale did a number on us all. enjoy!

Melinda is holding Phillip’s hand. They’re on the beach where they started. It’s been three days. Phil can’t stand anymore. He can’t hold anything or keep food down. His body is so small that Melinda barely recognizes him. Every few hours Phillip asks her if she would like to leave, if it would be easier. But Melinda is as aware of the clock as he is. She wouldn’t give up anything for these final moments.

He still tries to joke with her. She curls up against his side on the beach, sand in her hair. She doesn’t mind. He’s warm enough to block out the breeze, even though Melinda knows the heat from the fever.

“You know,” says Phil as he runs a trembling hand through her hair. “You could always –”

“Don’t say it,” Melinda warns, her eyes stern. “Let’s just enjoy this.”

“I never said that I loved you.” Phil’s voice is quiet, as though he is echoing himself. “I should have done that.”

“Stop speaking about yourself in the past tense,” says Melinda, her gaze flickering upwards to see his eyes locked on her forehead.

“This is it, May,” says Phil, a bit of a laugh sliding into his voice. “It’s okay.”

Her voice catches and she puts a firm hand to his cheek, willing the tears out of her eyes. “This is not it, okay?” Melinda whispers, as though challenging the very stars themselves. “Don’t say that. We have more –”

“We never had more time,” Phil murmurs, pulling her close and kissing her forehead. Melinda squeezes her eyes shut, shoulders shaking in the slightest and most heartbreaking of ways. “All we had was this. It’s okay.” He pulls back to look her in the eye. “You hear me? It’s _okay._ I’m okay with this.”

“But I’m not!” she bursts out, channeling that hopelessness into anger. “I’m not okay with this, Phil, none of this was what was supposed to happen to us –”

“Shh.” He kisses her nose, her cheeks, the lids of her closed eyes. “Look at me. Look at me.”

A wind picks up from behind them and Melinda visibly shuts off, shaking her head and turning away from him. “Please, Phil. Not now. Not here.”

The wind grows stronger and the crunch of footsteps sound in the sand. Both of the SHIELD agents turn, anticipating horror, as Melinda’s hand instinctively goes to her waist. Of course, though – she has no weapons. If this is the end, so be it.

“Hey, Melinda.” The newcomer is none other than one Robbie Reyes, looking a bit worse for the wear. Aside from being filthy, though, he looks exactly the same.

“Oh my God,” May breathes, running a hand through her hair and composing herself as she approaches the Ghost Rider. Phil sinks down onto the sand now that he has registered Robbie is no threat. “What are you doing here?”

Robbie brushes off her hand and approaches Phil, kneeling down next to him. “We heard you,” he says, distant. “We’re here to give you more time.”

Coulson tries to push himself away and Melinda catches him in her arms, the pair of them facing off against a deadly calm Robbie. “What do you mean, more time?” May asks quietly.

Robbie spreads his hands. “Exactly what it sounds like.” The familiar fire in his eyes lights again, but it’s not as violent as the agents are used to. The light flickers behind Robbie’s retinas, as though he’s keeping it at bay.

Melinda realises with a start that Robbie’s hair isn’t only caked in dirt, but threaded with gray.

“I have time to give,” says the immortal boy with a heavy sigh. “Time I took from you. Only one of us needs to die tonight.”

“You’re not dying,” says Phil weakly, grabbing Melinda’s shoulder for support. “I’ve made my peace with it. There’s no reason –”

“Four thousand lifetimes,” Robbie cuts him off, anger flaring in his voice that doesn’t belong to the Rider. “That’s how much time I have. Four thousand lifetimes. Do you know how many years that is?” He doesn’t wait for an answer. “Two hundred and eighty-six thousand, one hundred and twenty-four.”

“Robbie –”

 _“That’s_ how many years I’ve lived,” he snaps, though the bite in his tone is subdued. “Give or take.”

Phil looks up at Robbie and swallows hard. “I’m sorry.”

“You _owe_ me, goddamnit!” Robbie snarls, and his voice cracks. “All the memories I have, and I still know that you _owe_ me. This is your chance to make it right, Phil Coulson. Your only chance. You’ll get the time you deserve. I have all the rest.”

“Take what he’s offering,” Melinda murmurs against Phillip’s ear. “You know he’s right.”

“I’ve already said good-bye,” says Robbie, and his breath snags. The three of them all know what he means. If Gabe has been informed, there’s no turning back.

“And what about Daisy?” asks Phil, soft.

Robbie jerks his chin up towards the sky as though to indicate the Rider. “He’ll know what to do.”

The silence coats the beach like lead.

Finally, Coulson pushes himself into a standing position, still shaking. “Okay,” he says, after a hesitation. Melinda takes his hand and Phil squeezes tight. “Okay, let’s do this.”

A small, peaceful smile touches Robbie’s lips as he strides towards the couple, hand outstretched. Eventually he presses his palm against Phil’s chest and meets the other man’s eyes. “Thank you,” he says, square and sure.

With a rush of flame, the light winks out of Robbie’s eyes and his body drops to the ground. _“No_ -!”

Suddenly invigorated, Coulson falls to his knees and flips the still warm-body over on its back, filled with a horrible sense of regret. “May, _help._ Please, help –”

“There’s nothing we can do,” she whispers, her vision beginning to blur. Robbie’s words echo in her mind: his fury, his peace, his exhaustion. “It was over before he even came here.”

A wretched cry pulls itself from the deepest place in Phil’s stomach and his face crumples as he folds upon himself. That sob is the worst thing Melinda has ever seen. Coulson has never cried like this before. “I was supposed t- to be the one who let _go,_ we were supposed to save him!”

He pulls on the collar of Melinda’s shirt, yanking her upwards as she holds him at arm’s length. Phil is too weak, though, in his emotions, that fighting him is like swatting away a bug. “We were supposed to _save him,_ May, we were –”

Coulson collapses against Melinda’s chest, smile eroded by a tidal wave, sobbing like he is taking his first breaths. “I should have saved him,” he repeats intermittently, a mantra of failure. _“I couldn’t save him –”_

“You did,” May whispers against his hair, rocking Coulson back and forth as the sun sets. “You did, Phil. You saved him. You saved us all.”

**Author's Note:**

> if you'd like to yell with/at or just hang out with me, I'm on tumblr at thoughtsbubble! comments and kudos are also much appreciated. :) thanks for reading!


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